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난 벤이랑 약혼하고 LA에 살고 있었어요.
그땐 영화를 찍고 벤이랑 결혼하고 싶었죠.
세상에, 그 땐 겨우 19,20살이었는데...
갑자기 늙은이가 된 기분이네요.
I was engaged to Ben and living in LA, you know?
And I felt like yes, I want to make movies and marry Ben.
Jesus, I was only 19 or 20 at the time.
I never felt older in my whole life
어쨌든 솔직히 말해서 내 일부가 죽은 기분이었죠.
활기가 없었어요.
그냥 이렇게 자위했죠.
완벽한 사람도 완벽한 관계도 없다고요.
Anyway, if I was honest with myself,
It was like a small part of me felt dead...or dead-ish.
You know, you tell yourself,
‘No one’s perfect, no relationship’s perfect.’
벤이랑 행복했지만 무감각한 상태에서 뉴욕으로 갔어요.
우주 영화를 준비하는 감독을 만나려고요.
우주란 공간을 심각하게 보고 우주의 성매매를 다루는 시사적인 영화였어요.
적어도 우리한텐 그렇게 설명했죠.
근데... 저급한 포르노랑 똑같은 욕구를 채워 줄 뿐이었어요.
Happy with Ben and aware of the deadness,
and I went to New York to meet with this director for this space movie.
But one where they take space seriously, like…sex trafficking in space.
You know, it was political.
Or at least they wanted us to think it was.
Anyway, it just…it was really fulfilling the same need that certain fucked up porn does
어쨌든 뉴욕에 있는 동안 제작자의 초대로 연극을 보러 갔어요.
모든 불이 환하게 켜진 집에서 공연했죠.
그런 공연는 처음 봤어요.
그건 낯설었고 초현실적이며 암울한 이야기로 배우들 연기가 훌륭했죠.
Um, but anyway, so…while I was there the producer invited me to see a play.
I t took place in someone’s apartment with all the lights on.
It was like nothing I’d ever seen before.
This strange, surreal, dystopian story, and it was so well-acted.
근데 그중에 거인 같이 큰 털복숭이 곰이 있었어요.
그는 줄곧 날 보면서 대사를 읊었죠.
말도 안되는 소리지만 난 그렇게 느꼈어요.
알고보니 내 착각이 아니었지만요.
And one of the actors was this big shaggy bear who played all his lines looking directly at me,
Uh, which I knew couldn’t be the case, but it felt like it.
And then later, of course, I learned that it was.
나중에 배우들을 소개받았는데 곰을 맡은 배우가 감독도 했더라고요.
그가 나한테 말을 걸었고 난 대답했죠.
Afterwards, I was introduced to the cast and the bear turned out to also be the director.
He talked to me and I talked back.
내 일부는 죽은게 아니라 잠들어 있었어요.
The dead part wasn’t dead, it was just in a coma.
그리고 대화가 섹스보다 좋았죠.
근데 섹스도 대화 같았어요.
연애의 모든 점이 비슷비슷하잖아요. 안 그래요?
And it was better than the sex, the talking.
Although the sex was also like the talking.
You know, everything is like everything in a relationship.
Don’t you find that?
우린 함께 밤을 보냈고 그 다음날도 쭉...
내가 떠나지 않았어요.
솔직히 시작부터 문제가 있었죠.
So we spent the whole night and the next day together and…
I just never left.
Yes, to be honest, all the problems were there in the beginning too.
난 계속 찰리와 그의 인생에 맞춰 살았어요.
그만큼 좋았고 살아있는 기분이었거든요.
But I just went along with him and his life
Because it felt so damn good to feel myself alive.
처음에 난 스타 배우였고 특별한 사람이라 관객들이 날 보러 온다고 느꼈어요.
근데 난 잊혀갔고...
극단이 호평 받으면서 난 점점 보잘것 없어졌어요.
In the beginning, I was the actress, the star, and..
That felt like something, you know.
People came to see me at first, but…
The farther away I got from that and the more acclaim the theater company got,
and I had less and less weight.
그리고 난 한때 잘나갔던 반짝스타로 남았어요.
I just became “who?”
그리고 찰리가 주목받았죠.
And he was the draw.
사실 그건 상관없었는데...
내가 작아졌어요.
And…that…would’ve been fine, but…
I got smaller.
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생각해 보니...
내가 살아난게 아니라 찰리에게 생기를 더해줬던 거죠.
I realized I didn’t ever really come alive for myself.
I was just feeding his aliveness.
그래도 찰리는 똑똑하고 독창적이라서 괜찮았어요.
난 집에서 따로 그와 얘기할 수 있지만
남들은 공식적인 루트를 통해서 그의 작업에 대해 얘기하죠.
한동안은 그거면 족하다고 느꼈고 우쭐했었어요.
찰리같은 사람이 내 아이디어를 존중하고 내 의견을 중시해줘서요.
He was so smart and creative, it was fine.
You know, I would tell him things at home in private,
And they would work their way into public conversation into his work, and…
For a while, that felt like enough.
So flattered that someone like him would find an idea I had worth trying
or a comment I made worth repeating and…
그러다 임신을 했죠.
아기를 갖는건 부부가 함께하는 경험이지만 나만의 경험이기도 해요.
물론 찰리는 굉장히 좋아했어요.
그래서 기뻤죠.
한동안은요.
And then, I got pregnant.
And I thought that having a baby could be ours, could really be ours, but also really mine.
He was so excited.
So it was nice for a while.
일단 내 배 밖으로 나오면...
아이와 점점 멀어지는 과정이....
I mean, kids, they, belong to themselves.
It’s like…the instant they leave your body, it’s just..the process of them going away…
나 조차 내 소유가 아니었죠.
And I didn’t belong to myself.
작은 물건, 쓸데없는 물건, 큰 물건 할 거 없이
집에 있는 가구까지 전부 남편 취향이었어요.
내 취향도 잊어버릴 지경이었죠.
And it was small stuff, stupid stuff, and big stuff.
All the furniture in our house was his taste.
I didn’t even know what my taste was anymore.
아무도 안 물어봤으니까요.
Because I had never been asked to use it.
집도 같이 구한 게 아니라 내가 그의 집으로 들어갔죠.
그동안 LA로 돌아가고 싶다고 했지만 씨알도 안 먹혔어요.
찰리가 우리 가족을 좋아해서 연휴때만 왔죠.
LA에서 1년정도 살아보자고 했는데 찰리가 계속 미뤘어요.
I didn’t even pick our apartment.
I just moved into his.
And I made noises about wanting to move back to LA.
But they came to nothing.
And we’d come here on holidays because he liked my family.
But if I suggested we do a year or something, he’d just put me off.
그래서...
그가 제 의견을 물어봤으면 어색했을 거예요.
It would be strange if he turned to me and said,
“And what do you want to do today?”
조지 해리슨에 관한 다큐를 보다가 옳거니 싶었죠.
조지 해리슨의 부인처럼 다 받아들이고 현모양처로 살면 충분하다고요.
근데 그녀의 이름이 기억나지 않았고...
You know, I just watched that documentary on George Harrison,
And I thought,
‘Own it. Just own it. Be like George Harrison’s wife.
Being a wife and a mother, that’s enough.’
Then I realized I couldn’t remember her name, so…
이 파일럿이 들어왔어요.
LA에서 촬영하고 출연료도 두둑하더라고요.
This pilot came along.
It shot in LA and it paid so much.
생명줄이 나타난 기분이었어요.
그건 나만의 세계였고....
And it was like there was this little lifeline thrown to me.
Here’s this bit of earth that’s yours…
남편 앞에서 부끄러웠지만 이런 생각도 들었어요.
'그래, 난 이런 사람이야. 내가 이정도라고.'
I was embarrassed about it in front of him, but it was also like…
‘Yeah, this is who I am, and this is what I’m worth.’
바보같긴 하지만 어쨌든 내 거였어요.
난 찰리가 꼭 안아주며 응원해주길 바랐어요.
'새로운 모험을 하게 돼서 기뻐. 당신만의 세계도 누리면 좋겠어.'
이혼까지는 안 했겠죠.
And maybe it’s stupid, but at least it’s mine.
And if he had just taken me into a big hug and said,
‘Baby, I’m so excited for your adventure.
Of course I want you to have a piece of earth that’s yours.’
Well, then, we might not be getting divorced.
그런데 찰리는 그걸 비웃고 샘을 냈어요.
근데 출연료를 듣고 그걸 극단 예산으로 쓰자는 거예요.
But he made fun of it and was jealous like he is, and then he realized about the money.
And he told me I could funnel it back into the theater company.
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그때 확실히 깨달았죠.
찰리는 날 인정하지 않았어요.
자기와 별개인 독립적 인격체로요.
That’s when I realized.
He truly didn’t see me.
He didn’t see me as something separate from himself.
그래서 내 휴대폰 번호를 물어봤어요.
근데 모르더라고요.
그래서 떠났죠.
And I asked him to say my phone number.
He didn’t know it.
So I left.
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